Last night Tina Fey and Amy Poehler showed the world how to host an award show, and the Golden Globes showed the world how to underutilise a precious resource. Fey and Poehler made the most of their third and final Globes hosting gig, perfectly executing the timing and delivery of their jokes in the special way two collaborators who have been friends, as Poehler said, ‘for almost 50 years’ can. The only thing missing was more of them, as the two were fairly scarce following their opening. In case you missed it, or in case you didn’t have the time to eat an entire bag of Skittles while transcribing your favourite jokes from the night to later tweet to your ten followers, here are some of Fey and Poehler’s best:
Amy on The Interview
‘The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview. Forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.’
Tina on The Interview
‘North Korea referred to The Interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror. Even more amazing: not the worst review the movie got.’
Tina on societal expectations of women
‘Steve Carrell’s Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on including his hairstyling and make up. Just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman.’
Then they ‘summarised’ some of the Best Picture nominees:
The Theory of Everything
‘The Theory of Everything combines two things audiences love: a crippling nerve disease and super-complicated math.’
‘The movie Selma is about the Civil Rights Movement, which totally worked and now everything’s fine.’
Amy: ‘I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape. I don’t wanna just see myself up there on the screen.’
Tina: ‘Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called ‘Girl, I Thought You Were Gone!’
Into the Woods
‘Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep. Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.’
And, in what was potentially the comedic coup of the night, they explained that their friendship has lasted because they have ‘no overlap in our taste in men.’ Which they went on to prove by playing ‘Would You Rather’ with some of the Globes’ attendees.
Tina: Would you rather Colin Farrell Colin Firth?
Amy: Farrell all day.
Tina: Firth for a polite amount of time.
Tina: (Boyhood director) Richard Linklater or (Birdman director) Alejandro Iñárritu?
Amy: Iñárritu. One take. Two hours straight, no stopping.
Tina: Linklater, five minutes once a year.
Other highlights of the night were Kevin Spacey’s hard won Best Actor victory for House of Cards after eight nominations, and his subsequent acceptance speech, which included the exceptionally delivered opener of ‘This is just the beginning of my revenge,’ the midway point assertion of ‘I cannot fucking believe I won,’ and a closing story of artistic commitment and integrity.
George Clooney won the Cecil B. DeMille Award and made the following elegant statement regarding the marches in Paris following the Charlie Hebdo killings, ‘They did not march in protest. They marched in support of the idea that we will not walk in fear.’
And Boyhood and The Grand Budapest Hotel won Best Drama and Best Musical/Comedy (beating Birdman), respectively, adding fuel to the fire of what is already a heated debate surrounding the Best Film Urchie next month.
Of course, all of this happened while everyone paraded around in what they hoped were fabulous outfits. Most were wrong. Behold the shining beacons of fashion below:
With the Globes done and dusted, let the countdown to the Urchies begin!