Or can we call you Jim? Actually, forget that. No one should ever call you Jim.
James, we’ve admired your work for a long time. At first you were just a very, very pretty face. But your sincere and moving turn as Harvey Milk’s lover in Milk showed us your true artistry. Then there was the betrayal. Right when we had jumped on the Francowagon, you appeared in the Apatow-produced abhorrence Pineapple Express. Our new favourite actor promoting Crapatow filth? We were beside ourselves. For the sake of full disclosure, and so that our relationship can move on free from lies and deception, there was a brief dalliance with Emile Hirsch. But it was just a fling, a rebound to distract ourselves from the pain of losing you. He meant nothing to us!
A few months later, we read that you had taken a role on General Hospital. We were worried. Had you gone crazy? Sold out to the publicity machine? Then it was revealed: you were creating performance art to be exhibited at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Los Angeles. Swoon.
Yes, James, you’re beautiful. But what we really love is your mind. We love that you went back to UCLA after dropping out your freshman year to graduate with a creative writing degree. We love that you earned MFAs in creative writing from Columbia and Brooklyn College while simultaneously studying for an MFA in filmmaking from NYU. We love that you are now a Ph.D. student in literature at Yale University and also attending the Rhode Island School of Design. You list Hemingway, Faulkner, and Bukowski among your favourite authors. Marry us!
We mean, be our friend. We have some great ideas for collaboration. Your ‘Acting with James Franco’ Funny or Die series? How about a Franceo (that would be a James Franco cameo) on ‘Writing with the Urchins’? We’ve heard about your potential Three’s Company off-Broadway play. Guess how many Urchins there are??
James, be our B.F.F. (Best Friend Franco.) It’s what Joyce would want.
With love, admiration, and a not at all inappropriately long hug,
Sarah Jost on behalf of The Urchins