By Margaret Hedderman
Look, I don’t want this to be super dramatic. It’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything. Well, it kinda is. Like for realsies. But, we had a good run. We had our spats, our quarrels… a few genocides here and there. Remember those Indians? Dude bro, good times.. But it’s over. I really don’t want you to be sad. All things must pass. It’s just our time. It’s not you… well, it kinda is. It’s me, too… but I’d rather blame you.
Yep. We’re done for. It’s all over now. I’m not trying to get Biblical here, but seriously, y’all, this is bad news bears. I’m not saying we should call it all off yet… I just thought I should warn you. We’re all going to die. Like probably sometime soon-ish. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon… Oh come on, like you haven’t noticed all those earthquakes, volcanoes, icebergs melting, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
I didn’t mean to totally bum out your Earth Day celebrations. We’re supposed to be all full of hope and stuff today. Fine. Let me cater to the (naive) hopefuls for a bit. Back when Earth Day started in the 70s, corporations didn’t even recognize it. They did all they could to discourage it. Today, however, we’ve got everything green – toys, drinks, clothes, all kinds of commercial crap. One could say it’s the first nail in the proverbial coffin for the environmental movement. What was originally supposed to be this anti-status quo, stick it to the man, sort of thing, has become mainstream. It’s good… apparently more people care about the environment. But only because it’s cool. We’re not buying any less. We’re just buying slightly less evil commodities.
But that’s besides the point. It’s not like our actions actually affect the environment. The fact that today is Earth Day has little to do with this being the end of the world. You may ask yourself, “What can I do? I don’t want to blow up in a volcano! Help!” Like there’s something you can do. It’s not like there’s an asteroid hurtling toward Earth and you can send a team of astronauts into space and blow it up. If it was only that, we’d have a shot. No. There’s nothing you, me, or anyone can do. We’re screwed. Deal.
So, happy Earth Day. Buy your eco-fashion and your hybrids to ease your conscience. Because if you really didn’t want to incinerate in irony, you’d re-examine your values and take a good look at society. How important is that GDP, that job, that house?