By Margaret Hedderman
So, who else is peeved about the sham elementary schools have made of our education? Crayons? Useless. I never use those. And… what the hell? Recess? There’s no recess in real life. Come on, prepare me for success! You wait until I’m twenty-four to inform me that Columbus didn’t discover America??? Why does he even have his own day? I should have my own day. Margaret Day. It’ll be awesome.
It wasn’t Leif Erikson either that discovered the United States. I know these things now. Too late in my life am I learning that my education has been a lie. A meaningless poo-pile of angsty memories based on totally fake and made-up “history” books. I might as well read The Lord of the Rings.
Finally, I’ve learned the TRUTH. The Irish discovered America. Yes. That’s right. Those jolly, fiddle-sawin’, jig dancin’, poetry writin’ Irish set foot upon the American shore 300 years before that one Viking dude. Take that Iceland. Go soak in your hot springs.
In the 6th Century, St. Brendan, an Irish monk, forsook the green shores of Ireland for “The Isle of the Blessed:” America. Oh crap. Don’t tell that to the evangelists. We’ll never hear the end of it.
Brendan’s journey is recounted in an immram, an Irish navigational story, entitled “The Voyage of St. Brendan.” Legend has it, Columbus used St. Brendan’s immram as a guide across the Atlantic. In 1492, he wrote: “I am convinced the terrestrial paradise is in the Island of Saint Brendan, which none can reach save by the Will of God.”
Columbus. What a poser.
I’m not making this stuff up. Harvard prof. Barry Fell discovered Ogham writing (medieval Irish alphabet) in Virginia. It’s completely irrelevant that no one else believes it’s real. Those fancy schmancy epigraphers and linguists are like, “oh my God, that’s so fake.” That’s what they want you to think. They want you to believe Columbus discovered America so they won’t have to change the calendar. And so Guinness doesn’t become America’s Favourite Beer.
What would America be like if the Irish had stayed? I wouldn’t have a southern drawl. That’s for sure. Would tweed take the place of denim? And woolen caps the place of cowboy hats? Before we linger too long on how freakin’ awesome this would be… we should ask ourselves the really important question. Why didn’t the Irish stay? What did Brendan know that Columbus didn’t?
I would like to propose the following idea: while we’re rewriting history, Texas, why don’t we consider telling the whole truth? And nothing but it?