By Geo Ong
*The following is a transcript of the Urchies Red Carpet Special.
Hack: Welcome to the Urchies Red Carpet Special! I’m your host, Hack Bignose, and this is my lovely, lovely cohost, the gorgeous… umm… hold on, don’t tell me…
Autumn: And I’m your cohost, Autumn Winters. That’s okay, Hack. I’d forget celebrity names, too, if I hadn’t been part of a cast for as long as you.
Hack: You’re certainly looking botoxiful this evening. Let me guess. Could you be wearing Dr. Ted Bluesack?
Autumn: And your giant schnoz is about as red and bumpy as this carpet.
Hack: And speaking of carpet—
Autumn: Yes, speaking of carpet, let’s welcome our audience to the 1st annual Urchie Awards!
Hack: Oh look, the limos are pulling up! How exciting! Who’s that coming out of the first limo?
Autumn: That’s Exemplary Human Being nominee Ewan McGregor, and there, out of the second limo, George Clooney!
Hack: How exciting! Both nominees look dashing as ever. Sometimes it seems like they can’t do anything wrong, doesn’t it? Oh, it looks like another limo is pulling up.
Autumn: That’s Hangover star, Ed Helms, and oh dear lord, look at his outfit.
Hack: For the first time ever, I agree with you, Autumn. Ed Helms, what a disappointment. Especially after his great outfit at the Emmys—
Autumn: One of the best dressed of that night.
Hack: …to show up wearing something like this, yikes. I just really want to ask him, ‘Ed, what the hell were you thinking?’
Autumn: He probably thought it was a good idea at the time of purchase.
Hack: Well, now everyone’s going to remember this outfit, and not the Emmys outfit. I, for one, feel as if he’s a different person from the suit alone.
Autumn: Maybe whoever designed that monstrosity paid him a great deal to wear it.
Hack: We’re two minutes into the Urchies and it’s already gotten Faustian.
Autumn: It’s about to get much more than that, Hack, as the rest of the stars are rolling in and the show’s just about getting ready. To all you viewers out there, stay with us for the winners of the first ever Urchie Awards! Stay tuned!