By Margaret Hedderman
An urchin is a complex creature of the phylum book-annelida. Upon initial observation, an urchin may appear ill adapted to their environment: elitist, highbrowed, snobbish, eggheaded, sentimental, fluffy, or even… ‘smart.’ Gasp! Regardless of whether the above are true, our environment is clearly not suited for such qualities. An urchin is inherently and genetically obligated to create change in their surroundings. By introducing an urchin to a new ecosystem, the urchin will immediately begin changing that environment (a fluffy, elitist, highbrowed betterment, of course.) The following is part one of the Urchin Survival Guide: an extensive How-to look at urchinising the world.
1. Drive on the Left Side of the Road.
Believe me, those other cars will just get out of your way. And soon, everyone will drive like you. Either that or you’ll go to jail. But that is a sacrifice I’m willing for you to take. Change can start with one person. You.
2. Drink Sam Smith.
But not while driving on the left side of the road. Or the right. Best not to combine steps one and two at all. Maybe this shouldn’t have been step two…
3. Purge the World of the Heathen Apatow.
Judd Apatow defiles Urchin environment like an ill-timed ‘toot’ in yoga class. Yes, that’s right. I said a ‘toot.’ His inane, scatophilic, misogynist, blockbuster-whoring ‘films’ block creativity like a toilet after Thanksgiving. Roto-rooter your environment! Re-sanctify the world. Destroy all Judd Apatow influences in your close proximity. Then take a plunger to your friend’s house. United, we can save the world.
*Editor’s Note: The Urchins do NOT condone any moron driving on the left side of the road. Unless you live in the U.K. In that case, we love you. Also, don’t drink and drive.